Anatomy & Dynamics of Affairs

Affair can turn marriage inside out. It always causes pain. Nonetheless, affairs can be survived. It requires time, patience and understanding of each other end of the causes of the affairs.

Patterns of affairs:

Sex seeking Affair: - Most common type.

The control Affairs: - Because of fear & aggression.

The legitimization Affair

The peer-pressure Affair

The revenge Affair

The good friends Affair or the pure affair

The fulfillment-seeking Affair

The as-good-as affair

The affair that happens

SURVIVING AN AFFAIR

Affair can be survived. For this to happen some ground requirement are necessary.

A one night stand is generally easier to handle, since ongoing emotional element is not involved.

If affair was going to happen, it would have happened regardless of who the spouse was.

Affair happens on account of host of factors conscious & unconscious. Individual may not have had a complete handle on and therefore the perpetrator is also in a sense the victim.

Belligerent rationalization, railroading the partner and such behaviors has no role to play in the recovery from the affair.

Little is gained from exploring the details of the affair.

Why the affair took place can be found by sifting through the marriage, not by dissecting the affair.

Couple should not stop with forget and forgive when the basic issue remained unexplored. It will be better served by a process of “figure out, feel, forgive and forget”.

Both partners need to make a secondary commitment to work on their marriage. Each partner needs to be patient and give the other time for the wounds to heal.

If one partner is going to be repeat offender than the individual is a sex or love addict, in which case professional intervention is required or the individual is manipulating the spouse, taking the later for granted or issues in the marriage remain unaddressed.

GUIDELINES DETERMINING BEST TIME FOR INTERVENTION

Seek help before a crisis hits.

Seek help when you start drifting apart.

Seek help before involving respective families.

Seek help before involving friends. The sympathetic shoulder the vulnerability and the powerful emotions can create a new complication.

WHEN ALL ELSE FAILS OF RECALCITRANT SPOUSES AND DIVORCE

Recalcitrance is a state of mind, even if the individual’s behavior appears conciliatory. The state of affairs cannot augur well for a marriage for there is no balance in the power structures in the relationship.

Guidelines,dealing with recalcitrant spouse.

A stub born spouse is not a recalcitrant spouse. A recalcitrant spouse, despite the relationship floundering badly the spouse is either indifferent to or rejects the idea of making and effort to deal with issues. She refuses despite any amount of persuasion.

Aside from the recalcitrant spouse the other kind of spouse who is extremely different to deal with is the abusive spouse. It is more common for the Indian male to be spouse abuser, particularly when it comes to physical and sexual abuse. When it comes to emotional abuse however, the women can give as good as she gets. Whatever the origins of the abusive behavior, living with an abusive partner is a Herculean task and unless the abuser seeks intensive professional help, the marriage will definitely stagnate.

MOST COMMON REASONS ADVANCED FOR SEEKING DIVORCE WITH IN FIRST YEAR OF MARRIAGE

She doesn’t turn on me any more.

I was tricked into the marriage.

She in not my type.

He’s a spineless fellow, who can’t stand up for me.

She is nasty to my mother.

She/He doesn’t love me any more.

If he loved me, he wouldn’t be visiting porn sites on the internet.

She/He is too possessive for me.

She/He treats one like a child.

DIVORCE BECOMES INEVITABLE

When one partner is a recalcitrant spouse.

When one of the partners is physically/sexually or emotionally abusive and refuses to recognize it as a problem and seek help.

When both mutually decide to part as amicably as possible.

HENPECKED

It’s nice to be henpecked provided the hen is good.

Only men who do something for their wives because they feel they must be henpecked you do what you do because you want to don’t you? What ever he does because it made him happy wife never demands that he do those things for her. If people think he is henpecked, then so be it. The difference between a henpecked husband and a loving husband is actually very little.