The Secret of A Successful Family - Qawwamiat or Bossism

In the 4^TH chapter, the Qur’an states that men are the protectors (Qawwam) of women.  The word used by the Qur’an is Qawwam, and it has the same connotation as the word ‘Boss’ used today.

The word ‘boss’ seemingly appears to convey the meaning that one is the ruler, and the other, ruled.  But Qawwam has a different meaning.  Qawwam refers to administration, rather than ‘ruling’, or being ‘superior’ to a woman.

Today, the concept of ‘boss’ or ‘bossism’ is widely known.  We can understand the concept of Qawwamiat with this example.  Qawwamiat means that a man is the head of the family, just as there is a head in an institution or a company.  This ‘head’ or ‘boss’ runs the administration of the company, but this does not mean that he ‘rules’ it.  The common adage goes, “The Boss is always right.” This does not mean that the Boss is superior, but that for an organization to function successfully, someone with authority and responsibility is needed at its helm.

Similarly, a home is also an institution.  And likewise, a head or a boss is required to run this institution successfully.  It is in this regard that the Qur’an has called man a qawwam.

The Qawwam of any home has the position of a manager or an administrator, standing above members of equal position.  A home could become a prey to anarchy if this principle were not accepted. Being a Boss means having responsibility for, not superiority over another.  Similarly, Qawwamiat is also a responsibility. It fulfils the administrative need, rather than exercising superiority over one another.  If the difference between this practical need and ideological authority is fully understood, then the concept of Qawwamiat will be easy to understand.

The Secret of a Successful Family - Exemplary Family

Chapter 33 of the Quran refers to the Prophet’s family, and says, “God wants to remove all abomination from you, O people of the household, and to make you pure and spotless.”

This verse was addressed to the Prophet’s family, but since the Prophet’s family serves as a model to all believers; it is equally applicable to all believers.  It addresses every Muslim home.  It is necessary for all Muslim households to adopt this reformative course which the Prophet’s family was commanded by God to do.

Every house is a unit, and these units form a society.  If every unit of a society is reformed, then the whole society will be reformed.  But if the units go awry, the whole of the society will also go awry.  In this respect, the responsibility of every unit is like that of the Prophet’s family, or Ahl-e-bait, as it is expressed in Arabic in the Quran.  Every Muslim family has to undergo this process of purification and cleansing, so that evil is removed and goodness is promoted.  Every man and woman in the family is responsible for this, so that a virtuous society may come into existence.  And in this respect, both man and woman are equally responsible.  But the position of man is like that of an administrator, and a woman as that of a supporter.

It is the duty of both the husband and the wife to understand this responsibility and fulfill their respective roles.  This is a duty imposed upon them by God.  If they fulfill their role, they will be rewarded by God, but if they fail, they will be taken to task, and God’s chastisement will be without doubt the most severe.

The Secrets of a Successful Family Life - Simlicity, A Principle of Life

IN MY EXPERIENCE, most parents do not understand the ‘principle of simplicity’ in life. They may often adopt simplicity by way of compulsion, but seldom out of choice.  Children are very perceptive, and are influenced by their parent’s way of life and thinking.  And the children of such parents will fail to discover the value of simplicity in life.

What is simplicity? Simplicity is that state of living in which man has realized the purpose of his life and given in the utmost importance, while regarding everything else as secondary.

It is important for everyone to develop a personality of high moral character.  God has created great potential in humans; it is up to them to realize it.  It is very important for them to discover their potential and realize their purpose in life.  They should develop their minds through study and through their experiences.  They should learn to manage their time and utilize all their resources towards the acquisition of their goals.

A purposeful life is an ideal life.  Simplicity is a must in order to lead a purposeful life.  Simplicity saves man from unnecessary expenditure and distractions – things that hamper him in working towards achieving his goal in life.

The Secret of a Successful Family Life - The Formula of 30 Seconds

 AS A MAN is egoistic by nature, and a woman emotional, they can often be at loggerheads with each other due to their differences.  The difference cannot be obliterated.  The only solution to this problem is that, when a man’s ego flares up, the woman should keep her calm; and when the woman becomes emotional and loses her temper, the man must keep likewise calm.  They should not give in to reactions of any kind.  This is the only solution to this situation.

A negative feeling such as anger flares up on its own. But, in its initial stage, it remains within a certain limit.  And it crosses this limit only when anger is allowed to intensify.  The law of nature regarding negative feelings is that it gets activated for only about 30 seconds, and if it is checked, it gets defused like a balloon.  Therefore, if a person checks his anger, and does not allow it to flare up, the negative feeling will ebb away naturally, without there being any negative outcome.

It is necessary for both a husband and a wife to understand this Law of Nature, which I call the ‘Formula of 30 seconds’. Knowing this is the greatest secret of married life and those who have applied it in their lives will never have a major crisis in their marital relations.

The Creator has placed necessary safeguards within nature itself.  The only thing we should do is to learn of these things provided by nature, and apply them in our lives.  The way of nature is silent communication.  Those who can understand this language of silence will be able to listen to the voice of nature, and benefiting from it, will lead successful lives.

The Secret of Successful Family Life - The Policy of Non- Interference

I ONCE ASKED an educated person about his family life.  He replied that his family was good and healthy.  When I asked him what his formula for success was, he replied, “Non-interference”.  This meant that neither he, nor his wife interfered in each others affairs.

I agree that this was the best principle for maintaining harmony in the home. God has endowed man and woman with different temperaments.  Every man and woman is different. Therefore, in a marriage, the relationship stems from two different natures.  And since God Himself created this difference, we have no power to change it.  Instead of making futile attempts to change this difference, we should learn to adjust to it.  This principle can be put into these words: The Art of Difference Management.

This difference is not an evil.  There is great benefit hidden in it.  Differences do not mean mere differences: they should be seen as representing two different capabilities.  If both men and women had uniform capabilities, they would be able to achieve very little.  For, the absence of uniformity is the secret to intellectual development.  It has rightly been said, “When everyone thinks alike, no one thinks very much.” Therefore, the policy of non-interference is the best policy for a normal and happy life, both at home and in the outside world.