The Secret of a Successful Family Life - The Formula of 30 Seconds

 AS A MAN is egoistic by nature, and a woman emotional, they can often be at loggerheads with each other due to their differences.  The difference cannot be obliterated.  The only solution to this problem is that, when a man’s ego flares up, the woman should keep her calm; and when the woman becomes emotional and loses her temper, the man must keep likewise calm.  They should not give in to reactions of any kind.  This is the only solution to this situation.

A negative feeling such as anger flares up on its own. But, in its initial stage, it remains within a certain limit.  And it crosses this limit only when anger is allowed to intensify.  The law of nature regarding negative feelings is that it gets activated for only about 30 seconds, and if it is checked, it gets defused like a balloon.  Therefore, if a person checks his anger, and does not allow it to flare up, the negative feeling will ebb away naturally, without there being any negative outcome.

It is necessary for both a husband and a wife to understand this Law of Nature, which I call the ‘Formula of 30 seconds’. Knowing this is the greatest secret of married life and those who have applied it in their lives will never have a major crisis in their marital relations.

The Creator has placed necessary safeguards within nature itself.  The only thing we should do is to learn of these things provided by nature, and apply them in our lives.  The way of nature is silent communication.  Those who can understand this language of silence will be able to listen to the voice of nature, and benefiting from it, will lead successful lives.

The Secret of Successful Family Life - The Policy of Non- Interference

I ONCE ASKED an educated person about his family life.  He replied that his family was good and healthy.  When I asked him what his formula for success was, he replied, “Non-interference”.  This meant that neither he, nor his wife interfered in each others affairs.

I agree that this was the best principle for maintaining harmony in the home. God has endowed man and woman with different temperaments.  Every man and woman is different. Therefore, in a marriage, the relationship stems from two different natures.  And since God Himself created this difference, we have no power to change it.  Instead of making futile attempts to change this difference, we should learn to adjust to it.  This principle can be put into these words: The Art of Difference Management.

This difference is not an evil.  There is great benefit hidden in it.  Differences do not mean mere differences: they should be seen as representing two different capabilities.  If both men and women had uniform capabilities, they would be able to achieve very little.  For, the absence of uniformity is the secret to intellectual development.  It has rightly been said, “When everyone thinks alike, no one thinks very much.” Therefore, the policy of non-interference is the best policy for a normal and happy life, both at home and in the outside world.

The Secret of Successful Family Life - The Art of Failure Management

AN INDUSTRIALIST ONCE came to me with his daughter.  He said that his daughter was getting married soon and asked me to pray for her successful married life.  I told him that every marriage is doomed to failure, except for the ones in which the husband and wife learn the Art of Failure Management.

The Art of Failure Management lies in not looking at marriage as something ideal, but as a practical matter and then accepting one’s partner the way he or she is.  People generally tend to measure their partners by an ideal yardstick, and when they do not measure up to their expectations, they tend to think that they have not found their ideal soul mate.  This happens both in the case of a husband and a wife, and so both partners fail to experience the joys of their union.

 The truth is that every woman and every man are almost the same.  Physical appearances might be different, but inside, there is not great difference.  If couples realize this, then they would rejoice in each other, and accept each other as the best life partners.

The Secret of a Successful Family Life - Life Management

In order to lead a successful life, it is important for man to learn the art of Life Management.  The art of life management means, on the one hand man understanding himself, (i.e. he should know who he is, what his capabilities are) and, on the other hand, his becoming aware of the world around him.  Then he may plan his life in a realistic manner, and make improvements whenever and wherever required.

The only criterion by which to judge whether one had planned one’s life well or not is to see the result.  A plan which yields a negative result is not right, and a plan which yields a positive result is right.  Examining an action by an ideal standard is not a wise thing.  Wisdom lies in examining things in the light of the result.

The relationship between a husband and wife is a delicate matter, because they are not related by blood.  Therefore, the only way to make his relationship successful is to use reason, rather than allow emotions to take precedence.  In a blood relationship, there is an emotional bonding.  But even then, one has to make a conscious effort.  The force of nature, existing in blood relationships, does not exist between a husband and wife, which is why it is difficult to manage this relationship successfully without rational management.  In short, a blood relationship establishes itself by the force of nature, while a non-blood relationship is established through conscious effort and rational management.

Men & Women : Two Different Entities

1.       We mistakenly assume that if our partners love us they will react and behave in certain ways – the ways we react and behave when we love someone.

2.       When men and women are able to respect and accept their differences, then love has a chance to blossom.

3.       A man’s sense of self is defined through his ability to achieve results.

4.       To offer a man unsolicited advice is to presume that he doesn’t know what to do or that he can’t do it on his own.

5.       A woman’s sense of self is defined through her feelings and the quality of her relationships.

6.       When a woman offers unsolicited advice or tries to “help” a man, she has no idea of how critical and unloving she may sound to him.

7.       There are times when he needs her loving acceptance the most and not her advice or criticism.  Many a times a woman just wants to share her feelings about her day, and her husband, thinking he is helping, interrupts her by offering a steady flow of solutions to her problems.

8.       Most common mistakes we make in relationships:-

(a)      A man tries to change a woman’s feelings when she is upset by becoming           Mr Fix-it and offering solutions to her problems that invalidate her feelings.

(b)      A woman tries to change a man’s behavior when he makes mistakes by becoming the home improvement committee and offering unsolicited advice or criticism.

9.       When our partner resists us, it is probably because we have made a mistake in our timing or approach.

10.     To feel better men go to their caves to solve problems alone.  To feel better women get together and openly talk about their problems.

11.     A woman under stress is not immediately concerned with finding solutions to her problems but rather seeks relief by expressing herself and being understood.

12.     To forget her own painful feelings a woman may become emotionally involved in the problems of others.

13.     Men are motivated and empowered when they feel needed.  Women are motivated and empowered when they feel cherished.

14.     Given the opportunity to prove his potential, a man expresses his best self only when he feels he cannot succeed. Often he regresses back to his old selfish ways.

15.     Not to be needed is a slow death of a man. 

16.     A woman’s tendency to be compulsive relaxes as she remembers that she is worthy of love, she doesn’t have to earn it; she can relax, gives less and receive more she deserves it.

17.     A man deepest fear is that he is not good enough or that he is incompetent.

18.     Just as women are afraid of receiving, men are afraid of giving.

19.     It is difficult for a man to listen to a woman when she is unhappy or disappointed because he feels like a failure.

20.     The men and women languages had the same words but the way they were used give different meaning.

21.     To fully express their feelings, women assume poetic license to use various superlatives, metaphors and generalizations.

22.     The number one complaint women have in relationship is “I don’t feel heard”. Even this complaint is misunderstood by men.

23.     The biggest challenge for women is correctly to interpret and support a man when he isn’t talking.

24.     When a man is silent it is easy for a woman to imagine the worst.

25.     Never go into a man’s cave or you’ll be burned by the dragon.

26.     It is very difficult for man to differentiate between empathy and sympathy.  He hates to be pitied.

27.     A woman should not be judged for needing this reassurance, just as man should not e judged for needing to withdraw.

28.     When a man loves a woman, periodically he needs to pull away before he can get closer.

29.     A man automatically alternates between needing intimacy and autonomy.

30.     When negative feelings are suppressed, positive feelings becomes suppressed as well, and love dies.

31.     Men agree for the right to be free while woman argue for the right to be upset.  Men want grace while woman want understanding.

32.     By supporting her need to be heard, she should support his need to be free.

33.     It puts too much pressure on a man to make him the only source to love and support.

34.     As a woman’s financial needs are fulfilled she becomes more aware of her emotional needs.

35.     Primary needs:-

          Woman needs to receive                               Man needs to receive

a.       Caring                                                   a.       Trust

b.       Understanding                                       b        Acceptance

c.       Respect                                                c.       Appreciation

d.       Devotion                                               d.       Admiration

e.       Validation                                              e.       Approval

f.        Reassurance                                         f.        Encouragement

36.     Fulfilling a primary need is required before one is able fully to receive and appreciate the other kinds of love.

37.     A man commonly makes the mistake of thinking that once he had met all of a woman’s primary love needs, and she feels happy and secure, that she should know from then on that she is loved.

38.     The secret of empowering a man is never to try to change him or improve him.  The best way to help a man grow is to let go trying to change him in any way.

39.     Four ‘F’s for avoiding getting hurt in arguments:-

(a)      Fight.                     Intimidation weakens trust.

(b)      Flight.          Refuse to talk, passive aggressive.

(c)      Fake.            Resentment blocks expression.

(d)      Fold.                      Take the blame & assume responsibility.

40.     Man rarely says ‘I am sorry, because on Mars it means you have done something wrong and you are apologizing.

41.     Most arguments escalate when a man begins to invalidate a woman’s feelings and she responds to him disapprovingly.

42.     The most common way woman unknowingly start arguments is by not being direct when they share their feelings.

43.     Men are most prone to argue when they have made a mistake or upset the woman they love.

44.     When a woman keeps score, no matter how big or small a gift of love is, it scores one point, and each gift has equal value.