Good in Every Situation

Regarding the maintenance of relationships between a husband and wife, the Qur’an says, “Live with them in accordance with what is fair and kind; if you dislike them, it may be that you dislike something in which God has placed much good.”

This principle applies to both the husband and the wife. It means that a good family life does not depend on having found a partner of one’s exact choice. According to the law of nature, this is not possible. The secret of a successful family life, rather, lies in adjusting to one another, and in discovering something good even in what seems bad.

Human beings, generally, face a common problem. They all think that they should get more than what they have. Thus, discontented, they spend their lives searching for an ideal partner who can live up to their imagination. And in this quest for the ideal, they live unhappy lives.

Happiness is a state of mind. It does not exist outside of it. One should learn this principle, and only then will one see things in a different manner. Only you can make yourself happy. No one can gift happiness to you.

A Wise Lady

An incident which took place in a Maharashtrian family is worth mentioning. The daughter of the family marries someone of her own choice – an educated man. A son was duly born to them. But soon, differences arose between the young couple, and matters eventually escalated so much that the young wife returned to her parent’s home.  She laid the blame on her husband.

After hearing her out, her mother replied, “Marriages are for a lifetime; you either adjust to your husband, or you end your life.” The daughter did not expect such a reaction from her mother and was shocked! But she soon recovered, and started to rethink her situation. In the meanwhile, she read a book, “Raz-e-Hayat” by this writer. After finishing the book, she realized that her mother was right and that she had to learn to adjust to her husband, as there was no other option. She began to see life from a new perspective, and finally decided to return to her husband. She went back and started life afresh, without insisting on any set conditions.

I have personally seen that they are living happily together now. They have become good life partners to one another.

The issue of differences is like a rubber band or a spring. If we do not stretch it but let it remain in its normal position, things will never go out of control and will easily be handled.

Stubborness or Determination

On one of my journeys abroad, I once met a certain Christian lady, who confided to me that her husband was a stubborn person and that she found it difficult to deal with him. This had led them to the verge of divorce. I told her that this was not a real problem – the problem was in her way of thinking. If she thought of it in a different manner, her problems would vanish. Instead of taking him as a stubborn person, ‘stubborn’ being a negative term; she should consider him a determined person. Using positive words makes one think in a positive manner.

I told the lady that her husband was a determined person, and that this was a good and manly quality. A person who is devoid of this quality does not have courage to face the challenges of life. And, therefore, one who cannot face the challenges of life cannot achieve success in life.  The lady was a translator by profession, and thus proficient in many languages. She was of a gentle disposition and thus well suited to her profession. Her husband was a manager in a multinational company, where he was required to be tough in order to face the many challenges of the corporate world. God made her gentle, which met the requirements of her job, while her husband was tough to meet successfully the challenges in his profession. She should therefore have been grateful to God instead of complaining.

Waiting Policy

An ancient Maxim says: ‘Wait and watch.’

This is not just a maxim; it is a Law of Nature.  The policy of waiting means waiting for a better future: waiting for tomorrow to bring something we have not received today.  This is undoubtedly a matter of great wisdom, as it is possible that you may receive tomorrow what you have not received today.

In a marriage, the husband and wife often make the mistake of expecting their partner to come up to their expectations from the first day.  They ignore the need to give time to each other to adjust, while it is well known that nothing happens before its stipulated time. It is not possible in this world to find today what you are not destined to find until tomorrow.

When a man and a woman come together in marriage and set up a home, it is an entirely new experience. They would naturally want to learn about one another, and come up to each other’s expectations. This begins from the first day itself. Both of them should help each other in this, and refrain from any such behavior as would disrupt this process.  The policy of ‘waiting’ should aid this natural development, and thus allow it to grow unhampered, until it reaches its culmination point. This principle relates to all great successes. And this same principle applies to a husband as well as a wife.  It is only after waiting that one receives what one is waiting for.  This is a Law of Nature, and no law is greater in this world than the Law of Nature.

Controlling Anger

Anger is the major reason for relationships going sour. Anger stokes a quarrel which then begets hatred. And hatred eventually leads to evil. In any relationship, ninety per cent of the trouble starts due to anger. Anger is a natural phenomenon. The only solution to anger is to control it.

Anger in itself is not an evil. It is evil when one fails to control it and it spoils the lives of others.

Rage is nothing but a temporary provocation, which is an undesirable reaction. It is like a fire which flares up for a short duration and then dies down on its own if it is given no further fuel. If people realized this, anger would not result in any serious disharmony.

Anger is similar to a fire in an individual’s mind. An unpleasant word or experience can instigate this fire and make it flare up suddenly. However, the duration of this fire is very short. So, when we are angry, it would be wise to hold our tongues or divert our minds and wait for this temporary fire to subside. Once the fire has died out, we will return to normalcy again. It is important to control the anger, so that the flare-up is controlled.

An Incident

One day I got a call from a city in India. It was from a lady who said that her sister and brother-in-law were on the verge of a divorce due to irreconcilable differences.  And that they were to sign the divorce papers that same day.  She requested me to pray for her sister’s welfare.

I insisted on talking to her sister, and we duly spoke on the phone. I asked her the reasons for her decision, and she had some complaints. After hearing her out, I told her that her problem was not significant enough to warrant a divorce. And that the differences they had were mainly due to her heightened sensitivity. She had complained that her husband never listened to her, and it was she who always had to listen to him.

I gave her many examples to show her that life does not function on a bilateral basis. It is rather run on a unilateral basis, and she was no exception to this rule.  This principle has been called Qawwamiat, or bossism in the Qur’an, i.e. just as there is a boss or a manager in a company or an institution; in every home, too, there is a boss or a manager.  This is a natural law, and is not related to gender equality or inequality. If we fail to recognize it, there can be no peace and harmony either in the home or in any institution.

The sister listened to my advice, and returned to her husband. She withdrew her divorce papers and accepted her husband as her boss, without setting any conditions.  They now lead a happy married life.